Have you ever worked under a toxic manager?
I bet you have.đ
If youâve been in the tech industry for a few years, you are bound to come across a toxic manager or a team lead.
Or else, you are born with an insane amount of luck. If thatâs the case, I salute youđ and envy you.
For the rest of us mortals, dealing with a toxic boss is an important workplace reality.
Every individual has a different approach to a toxic boss depending on their own personality or situation.
đ Some of us get absolutely frustrated about the whole thing and end up quitting.
đ Some might submit to the tyranny of the toxic boss, hoping that doing so would let them fly under the radar.
đ Interestingly, many donât even realize they are dealing with a toxic manager until someone shakes them up to the harsh reality.
In either case, we lose something.
Either we run away from the situation unprepared or we end up bargaining for our freedom.
In my view, neither option is healthy for our long-term goals.
And this has always troubled me.
If running into a toxic boss is so common, there must also be a better way to deal with the situation.
Moreover, your career is important to you. You have put significant effort into shaping it up.
Why should you allow another person to ruin it?
In fact, why canât you excel even under a toxic manager?
Welcome to another edition of the DevEvolution newsletter.
In this post, I talk about the extremely important topic of dealing with toxic managers along with a 9-step framework to actually excel under them and come out with flying colors.
đ How to Identify a Toxic Manager?
Identification is the birth of understanding.
If you canât recognize toxic behavior when you see it, how are you expected to deal with it?
But sadly, thatâs where a lot of younger colleagues stumble.
They are not conditioned to recognize toxic behavior. Basically, they have no reference point to contrast and compare things.
I saw this playing out first-hand many years ago. đ
When I joined a team of young developers straight out of college, I noticed that those developers werenât able to register the constant insults and snide remarks dished out by their team lead.
Upon asking them over lunch, they revealed that it had always been like this. Moreover, they thought all software teams operated in a similar way.
What was so blatantly obvious to me made no difference to them?
And how will their experience shape their behavior in the coming years?
âHow we behave, in any given moment, is a combination of personality and situation.â - Will Storr in The Science of Storytelling
Ultimately, your personality is a product of your experiences. Continued exposure to bad behavior normalizes it and makes you susceptible to demonstrating the same behavior down the line.
Over the years, I have observed that toxic behavior can be of two types:
Plain-old aggressive behavior
And its subtle cousin i.e. the passive-aggressive behavior
In my opinion, itâs relatively easy to deal with plain-old aggressive behavior because you are in a literal fight with another person and your defense mechanism is working overtime.
However, the passive-aggressive behavior frightens me to the core.
Though itâs not direct, it can cut deeper. You also feel that your hands are tied and someone is chipping at your mental defenses one bit at a time.
Here are some tell-tale signs that your boss is subjecting you to passive-aggressive behavior:
Not giving you credit for your work.
Praising others for your accomplishments.
Holding back vital information needed for your job.
Setting you up for failure
Humiliating you.
These are mostly external reasons. They may also sound trivial at the moment.
But toxic behavior can also affect you in less-visible ways.
For example, you are suddenly feeling demoralized at work. There are no obvious work-related reasons. No long-standing problems with other colleagues.
Chances are that your managerâs subtle behavior is impacting you.
When that happens, you need to sit back and take stock of what is troubling you. Try to recollect and write down specific touch-points with your boss that might have boosted the negative emotions in your mind.
đšÂ How Toxic Bosses Impact You?
Toxic bosses make you feel worthless about your own abilities.
If a good manager encourages you to learn and grow from your mistakes, a toxic boss highlights even your smallest mistakes and demoralizes you at every turn.
Humiliation is a tool for them to make you fall in line and succumb to their vision.
âBad bosses use humiliation to dominateâ - Gary Chapman
A toxic boss can sap all your energy, and suck your creativity and genuine love for the job while making you feel inadequate.
Before you know it, your autonomy and sense of purpose are gone. Poof.
You are now in survival mode, trying to dodge bullets and get out of the way as much as possible.
Since you are so focused on defending yourself, you actively try to stay on the good side of the toxic boss.
Basically, you develop a constant fear of disappointing others (aka FODO). Only in this case, the other person is just your manager.
Since you donât want to disappoint them, you engage in people-pleasing behavior. This means complying with all their demands - rational or otherwise.
Skip lunch today because I need the deployment now. No problem, boss.
Thereâs an urgent deadline for Monday. So work on the weekend. Sure thing, boss.
Youâre an idiot for not knowing such a simple algorithm. Iâm sorry, boss. Iâll try to improve.
And the list goes on and on. I have seen folks fear attending to the call of nature in the event that it might displease their toxic boss.
Clearly, this is a big problem.
So, how can you handle it if you find yourself working for a toxic boss?
Letâs find out with the 9-point framework.
đď¸Â How to Handle a Toxic Boss?
To handle a toxic boss, you need to first understand that bad managers often arenât totally bad or malicious people.
We might try to generalize them as psychopaths but thatâs overkill.
The chances that your Engineering Leader or Manager is a psychopath are pretty unlikely. So, you can rest assured on that front.
In most cases, a toxic boss is toxic because theyâre just incompetent. Thatâs why they are insecure about their position in the organization or the team.
Toxicity is a facade to hide their incompetence and insecurity so as to stop people from crossing them.
Different levels can play different roles in handling such toxic managers.
đ If you are a new developer and barely recognize the behavior, try to seek help from other senior members of the team whom you find trustworthy.
The seniors may have been handling this behavior for longer and can probably offer you some genuine tips to manage things.
đ In case you are a senior member of the team, you should try to help the juniors cope with this behavior.
Even if you canât do something directly, try to educate them and make them aware of their rights.
đ If you are the direct target of toxic behavior, you should try to build a good relationship with the manager of your toxic manager or lead.
Donât do it for the sake of belittling your current manager. Instead, make it seem more like a genuine connection.
This can curb the toxic behavior of your immediate supervisor while also preparing an escape route for you that does not sabotage your career in case things turn ugly.
At the same time, you can also try being generous with your manager by attempting to care for them.
Avoid direct confrontation with your toxic boss.
Since they are usually insecure, build their trust by occasionally complimenting them and sharing credit for your success. It might help relabel your position from competitor to neutral in their eyes.
Of course, these ideas are iterative and you may have to tweak your approach based on the context.
Nevertheless, they are more like stop-gap arrangements to manage the situation. They wonât take you anywhere great but can save you some trouble.
However, our goal is to excel in our profession.
But toxic managers can be a huge drag on our efforts to accomplish our goals. Therefore, a more robust solution is needed.
Hence, the 9-point framework.
The 9-Point Framework to Excel under a Toxic Boss
The 9-Point framework is not a magic pill.
Treat it as a guiding light that helps you navigate your career through turbulent times.
đ Point 1 - Identification
As discussed earlier, the identification of toxic behavior is the most important step.
Often, toxic behavior creeps into daily interactions slowly as the person exhibiting it tests the limits of their behavior.
You need to be alert to the signs that your manager is showing passive aggression more frequently than they used to.
Try to keep your eyes and ears open for other organizational developments such as:
Is your manager facing increased competition from their peer group?
Has your manager missed a promotion recently?
Did your manager have a recent fallout with their own boss?
Since these events can potentially increase insecurity, they could very well trigger toxic behavior in your boss.
đ Point 2 - Impact
You know that your boss is exhibiting toxic behavior for whatever reason. Now, you need to get a handle on how it impacts you.
If the behavior is specifically directed toward you, it generally means that your manager or team lead sees you as a potential threat. This usually happens if you are senior enough to pose a threat to your managerâs position.
Your manager might try to isolate you within the team by keeping you out of important discussions and initiatives. Less needle-moving work would be sent your way to minimize your influence.
The best way to counter this is to create your own network.
Engage with your team members on a more friendly level. Try to forge a channel with your managerâs supervisor. Your goal should be to not get isolated.
In case the toxic behavior is directed towards younger developers or other colleagues, see if you can lend them a helping hand.
New developers are often more vulnerable. Try hearing out their situation and counseling them as a mentor if needed.
Donât let your team become a breeding ground for cynicism as it will only give a boost to the toxic behavior.
đ Point 3 - Decision
This is an important step to get out of the way before we look further.
Though I try to give broad advice, thereâs no guarantee that it fits every individual out there. All of us are built differently.
Depending on your personality, you must take a call on whether to stay or quit in your organization. Itâs a decision between facing the toxic behavior and getting away from it.
And donât consider getting away as cowardly.
Sorting things out with a toxic manager is hard work even though the potential rewards could be big. Not everyone is cut out to handle it.
If things are getting on your nerves, it might be time to quit the organization and try to find a better place to work.
Of course, thereâs no guarantee that you wonât run into the same situation again.
But if luck favors you, it not happen for a long while by which time you would have gained more experience.
đ Point 4 - Professionalism
Once the pivotal decision to stay or quit has been made, you need to be extra careful if you decided to stay.
Remember, your goal is to excel under a toxic manager. But it would be like walking on eggshells.
Make sure to do your work professionally and functionally. In fact, make extra efforts to showcase your professional side.
Donât give your manager any fuel to attack you with passive-aggressive behavior or otherwise.
However, donât overdo things as well to the point of ruining your work-life balance.
Instead, spend your free time networking with other individuals to grow yourself as a developer.
đ Point 5 - Boundaries
Donât get drawn into petty discussions with your toxic manager.
Create a well-defined boundary around your mind to maintain an emotional distance from your manager.
Keep a boundary to socializing outside of work as well. Remember to stay professional even in case of the occasional gesture of friendship from your toxic boss.
đ Point 6 - No Gossip
Once your toxic boss understands they canât break you down, they will try to bring you on their side.
Toxic bosses need allies to control the rest of the team.
A trusted deputy or something like that.
This means gossiping about others in the team to make you feel special.
Avoid this at all costs. Itâs all fake and will only tarnish your integrity within the team.
If youâve already set solid professional boundaries, doing this should be relatively easy.
At this point, you are already winning the battle. All you need to do is keep a fair distance and continue doing what you are doing.
đ Point 7 - Accountant Mindset
You might be used to working freely in your past.
But when confronted with a toxic manager, you need to think like an accountant.
Keep detailed records of everything you do, no matter how trivial.
You never know what they might use against you.
This involves keeping a proper log of work hours, deliverables, documentation, reviews, and sprint activities.
If your boss decides to take any action against you or escalates things, all of this data would be incredibly valuable. It will help you present your case effectively.
At this point, the network you have already built will also come in handy.
đ Point 8 - Donât Revolt
Itâs tempting to become a revolutionary and fight against the tyrant. Human nature moves us to act as heroes.
But in my opinion, it does more harm than good.
In a corporate setting, your professionalism matters more. Donât derail your career with stupid fights to prove your point unless you have an exceptionally strong case.
You must learn to fight without fighting.
The idea is to showcase the extreme contrast between you and your toxic manager. When in doubt, the higher-ups will always go with the less volatile individual.
đ Point 9 - Patience
To excel under a toxic boss, time is your biggest asset.
There will be dark days and frustration would bubble inside you. But you must not lose patience and wait things out.
I have left places to escape toxic behavior only to find out that a few months down the line things improved drastically.
In fact, all it takes is one single day to improve the situation drastically.
Your toxic boss might just be a step away from becoming someone elseâs problem.
When in doubt and feeling low about something the manager said, ask yourself whether any of this will matter 10 years down the line. It likely wonât.
đ°Â Thatâs it
Let me finish by saying itâs not easy to handle a toxic person, let alone deal with that person if they happen to be your boss.
However, developing the ability to preserve your happiness and sanity in such situations makes you stronger.
The below quote sums it up perfectly.
âThe employee who steadily smiles and peak performs while having to work with a difficult and sometimes toxic co-worker, proves that he/she is in control of their happiness and peace of mindâ - Ty Howard.
đšď¸ Over to you
Have you ever worked with a toxic boss?
If yes, how did you manage the situation?
Did you achieve your goals?
Write your thoughts about the whole thing in the comments section.
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Wishing you a great weekend ahead! âď¸
See you later.